Three Chairs

Target: Cosmic Vortex of Compliments

There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I went to Target today with nary a compliment on my mind.  I had come to the conclusion that thinking about giving compliments too much was like watching a pot boil, and that maybe if I just walked away from it, that compliment pot would boil right over.

It did.

Sure, I told someone that she smelled nice yesterday, and thanked someone else for being so helpful, and told my younger son that I really liked the way he handled something difficult, but I hadn't really delivered what I had in mind when I started this little project.

So there I was, at Target, perusing 5,000 rolls of wrapping paper.  Usually I run in and out of Target (as much as you can run in and out of a 126,000 square foot space), grabbing whatever is on my list and then getting out as quickly as possible.  Today, I had time.  Today I decided to walk up and down aisles I had never ventured into, like Auto, Home Improvement,  and Wall Decals (not it's own aisle, but they have them!). I carefully contemplated the Ben & Jerry's flavors, investigated colors of eye liner, and sniff-tested several bottles of hand soap.  I was even inspired to come up with a new system for hanging our Christmas cards, and bought two silver-tone Command Hooks to attach to either end of the fireplace mantel, and a spool of red fabric ribbon to tie between the hooks.  The cards will hang on the ribbon, and the boys' stockings will bookmark all the cards and hang from the hooks.

I digress.  Target does that to people.

So there I was, loading my new Easy-Fill Humidifier onto the check-out conveyer belt, when I looked up and saw the woman from the cafe; this was the same woman with the two small children whom I had so wanted to compliment about her way with her kids.

She smiled at me and said, "We seem to see you everywhere!"

We introduced ourselves, discovered we have mutual friends, and did the Child Bingo thing that all moms do ("Boy, 7, 1st grade; Boy, 9, 4th grade," etc.).  Then I went ahead and told her what I had been thinking when I saw her at the cafe, and she smiled and thanked me.  She didn't cry with gratitude or deny she's such a great mom and confess that she regularly lets them watch six hours of TV, or anything like that.  That compliment may have already slipped away from her, but that's OK, because it was good for me to give it.

What I've learned here is that:

• compliments don't have an expiration date
• the universe has got your back when you're trying to do something nice
• Target sells organic, lactose-free milk.

Let's see what tomorrow holds.

A compliment should not be like passing a stone

"The essence of pleasure is spontaneity."

~ Germaine Greer

This complimenting business is hard.  Here's how the day went:

1. I dropped my son off at school, where he is always greeted at the car by a teacher's aide.  I don't know today's aide very well, and as she walked to the car I wracked my brain for something to say to this cute, young, ponytailed woman.  I had nothing.  I asked her if she had a good Thanksgiving, she said yes, asked me if I did, I said yes, and then I told her to have a great day.  I drove away mentally slapping myself upside the head.

2. For lunch I went to a local cafe and ordered a bowl of soup.  I saw the same people I see there all the time: the same aproned busboy, the same accented barrista, the same exhausted owner.  I really, really don't want to give cosmetic compliments for the sake of giving compliments, so I refrained from things like, "I like your apron!" and "Those slip-proof loafers are great!"

Sitting a few tables away from me was a mom and two young kids, maybe three and five years old.  This mom was awesome.  She was engaged with her kids, calm, patient, and silly.  She never once looked at her phone, sighed onerously, or snapped when her daughter dropped the silverware for the 17th time.

I wanted to compliment this mom on how great she was with her kids, but how was I going to do that?  I didn't want to get up from my table, make a speech, and then go back to my table and watch her call her husband for back-up against the psycho lady in the restaurant.  She wouldn't be walking past me when she left, and she would be leaving first.  

What could I do?  I anguished, I did nothing, and then they left.

3. I went to the mall to do a bit of Christmas shopping.  I dealt with two sales people, both of whom were professional and friendly.  I said nothing unusual, just the regular "Thanks for your help!" kind of thing.  On the way out of the mall I was approached by a young man who wanted to sign me up for a Groupon-like service.  I listened to his presentation and noticed that his supervisor was closely observing him.  He made great eye contact, was comprehensive, answered my questions, and was never pushy.  I signed up for the (free) service, and then said, "Hey, you did a great job with that!"  He thanked me, but maybe more importantly, his supervisor smiled and nodded in agreement.

All-in-all, I don't think I'm doing very well so far, and here are some thoughts on why:

• Compliments need to be meaningful.  If you have to look too hard to find one, it will feel and sound forced.
• Compliments are like little gifts, and the timing needs to be right .  Practicing how to phrase everything and then imposing yourself into a situation to present your compliment will be weird for everyone.
• Sometimes, it's just freaking hard to put yourself out there.

I'm going back out there tomorrow, though, and I'm going to keep working on it.

Actions may speak louder than words, but words about actions are important, too.

"We are prepared for insults, but compliments leave us baffled."

~ Mason Cooley

I received three compliments this week.  Each have been on my mind for much longer than it took the person to think of and deliver them.  The first was from a friend, a comment that I looked great, like I had lost weight.  I think it's safe to say that in most cases, a woman wants to hear that she looks great, and loves the idea of having lost weight.  But who doesn't walk away from this compliment wondering if the person who delivered it thought that she needed to lose weight and perhaps needs to lose more?  And how many times has the person who delivers this compliment backtrack and say, "Not that you needed to, of course."  Of course.  I think that for this compliment, I would prefer a simple, "You look great!" Let me be clear, though - I fully understand that I'm looking a gift compliment in the mouth, and that the way I perceive it has nothing to do with my kind friend's intentions.

The second compliment was exactly the same as the first, but from a different friend and on a different day.

Here's a weird thing about these compliments: for about a month now I've been pretty sure that I've gained weight.  So how is it that I'm sure I've gained weight, and have thought about it rather negatively every single day, and then in one week two different people tell me they think I've lost weight?  Is that the universe yelling at me to shut the hell up already about my weight?  And how hard would I have to work to accept it as that, instead of focusing on the quiet and probably nonexistant subtext of that compliment?

The third compliment I received was from a complete stranger at the mall.  As I stood looking at a delightful display of assorted Pillow Pets, a woman came up to me and said something I didn't quite catch.  "Excuse me?" I said.  She repeated herself, the expression on her face open and warm, "You have great eyebrows!"  I admit, this one caught me off-guard.  Who compliments someone else on their eyebrows?  Well, probably someone who doesn't like her own eyebrows and spends an inordinate amount of time checking out other people's.

This leads to me to a theory that people compliment others on things that they themselves value.*  

Unlike the first two compliments, this one didn't fill me with any sense of dread about what the person really thought of me and my eyebrows.  Like the first two, this compliment seems to be some cosmic reflection of something I do spend quite a bit of time thinking about.  Yes, I think about my eyebrows a lot.  You would, too, if you were born with a unibrow that threatened to take over your face and many of the faces around you.  From the time I was about 16 I have plucked, waxed, trimmed, gelled, brushed, shaped, contoured and generally fretted over my eyebrows.  Some of this I do on a daily basis.

So, for a complete stranger to compliment my eyebrows?  That's the compliment jack pot.  That compliment is wearing an Olympic gold medal right now.  And what does it take for a compliment to go Olympic?  I think it has to meet certain criteria:

1. It should be from someone you aren't expecting it from (not necessarily a stranger; for example, in the eyebrow situation, this compliment would carry the same weight coming from my dad, the school janitor, or my doctor)
2. It should have no possible negative meaning (for example, "Your eyebrows look so much better now!" is not such a great compliment)
3. It should be about something that you highly value or feel insecure about (a compliment about my lip gloss is still a compliment, but not an Olympic compliment because my ability to pick out a color that someone else likes isn't really so important to me.  A compliment about my parenting skils, photography, baking or eyebrows are all highly rated.)

I don't think all compliments have to be Olympic gold.  Olympic bronze is awesome, too.  Hell, an Olympic qualifying compliment could turn my day around.  Actually, a compliment sitting in the Olympic stands is always welcome.

All of this pondering about compliments, how they're delivered, received, perceived and processed, has led me to think about how I compliment others.  To be totally honest, sometimes I hold back because I'm actually jealous of what the other person has.  Recognizing that and letting go of it is very freeing.  For example, there's a woman in my community that I don't know from Adam, but I see her many times a week.  She runs.  She runs and runs and runs what must be dozens of miles a day, and she looks really, really fit and beautiful.  One day I saw her at a local coffee shop, and in some fit of spontaneity I walked over to her and told her that although I don't know her, I see her everywhere, that I think she looks awesome, and is an inspiration to me to get my own ass in shape.

She was shocked.  Do you know what she said to me?  She said, "Oh... I wish my boyfriend felt the same way."  I can't imagine why her boyfriend doesn't tell her the exact same thing, but if for the rest of the day she felt beautiful, then I'm happy.

What if I looked for and delivered sincere compliments to the people that I encounter throughout my day?  If nothing else, won't I be spreading positive energy and smiles?  So, that's my self-challenge for this week.  To really look at people, to find something that I admire about them, and to tell them so.  If you are so inclined to join me, come back and let me know how it goes.

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*It would have made too much sense for me to research Complimentary Theory before writing this post. Instead, I did some reading after setting out my own haphazard thoughts.  I liked this article by Erin Berman quite a bit, and this article in "Psychology Today" in which Hara Estroff Marano writes,

"There is only one way to receive a compliment—graciously, with a smile. The art of receiving a compliment teaches us an important lesson about life. It tells us that how we feel is highly subjective, known only to us. And it isn't necessarily observable to the world. And often the world is better off without knowing how we personally feel. And so are we. Because the positive atmosphere created by a compliment, if we allow ourselves to inhale it, can be powerful enough to transform our feelings."